Heartbroken, to healing & trusting

On Thursday, I received an urgent message to return a call to Compassion International, specifically about my upcoming trip with them to El Salvador. My heart beat fast.

I called as I was driving to speak with Nicole. She gently told me that our sponsored child, Alicia had been taken to the US illegally by her father. Compassion's headquarters in CO had just received word from their field office in San Salvador to inform me of this. Contact was made with Alicia's mother to inquire why she had not been coming to the local Compassion Center. Apparently, she had not been attending Compassion's outreach programs and the staff had visited her home to investigate. On two prior occasions, her mother was very vague about her whereabouts and on this visit day, maybe because her mother was told I was coming to meet her, she told that Alicia was gone to the US. I would not meet her as I had hoped and prayed. Tears poured down my face as I drove home. It was a heartbreaking loss on many levels.

First, we have been Alicia's sponsors for 4 years. During this time we have cultivated a relationship through letter writing and our entire family's prayers for her. Her last letter came to me on the very day Compassion called with an opening on this trip. I cling to that letter now. I will miss Alicia and wish I had more time to love her through our letters, share the love of the Lord with her, let her know that we pray for her and she is so special to us. I was so excited to meet her, spend a day with her and just love on her. Now, this dream and prayer was not to be.

I pray that this is a good thing for her, a chance to come to the US for a better life. I can't imagine being so far away from my mother at 10. I pray she is happy, healthy and continuing to grow strong in the Lord.

Second, I wondered if I should continue as planned? Do I go on this trip, taking a sponsors place that could meet his/her child? It is 3 weeks until the trip. Is there a waiting list still and could a traveler begin taking all necessary meds, get immunizations and everything aligned/needed to take my place? What about all the gifts we have purchased for Alica, and her family and prayed over? What about the timing of my phone call the day Alicia's letter arrived and all the affirming signs to go? Do I go as maybe the lone person of 53 who would not meet our sponsored child? How would that feel? What would be my role and purpose? Everything up until this sadness has taken shape so well and I had invested so much spiritually, emotionally & physically (hepa, hepb, shots, typhoid & malaria pills, etc.). What now? Would God have prepared me in so many ways to just not go?

I came upon this many many times over the last few days...
Jeremiah 29:11 says, "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plan to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This brought me comfort, so I could get myself out of the way and totally pray with all my heart for His will to be done. I was surrounded with affirmations that this is not the trip I had planned, but this was the trip God had planned.
I was surrounded with peace and comfort and encouragement from Brendan, the children and my new "Compassion" friends on our trip's yahoo group page. God is amazing. I am humbled to be used by Him!


Then, just yesterday I listened to a Jeremy Camp song, Walk by Faith.

"Well, I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me"

And I knew then, that this road in not mine. It is His and I am humbled and grateful for this God given opportunity and I knew then again, I was still called to go.

I do not know what will happen on this trip. We will be working in Compassion's centers with children and maybe I am to focus on ministry with the children in worship, bible stories, arts & crafts or music. Maybe a child will steal my heart one day while there. Maybe I will meet and just know I am to sponsor a new child while there. Hard to know what God is up to, but I pray He guides me, strengthens me and speaks to me so that I will fulfill His plan and do His will.

The amazing thing is that God doesn't need me to do His work at all. He is God and can do it all Himself. Just that He desires to work through me, (me with all my yuckiness) is astounding to me! I want to give Him all glory and honor and praise and can't wait to share what is on the other side of this. All I know is that this is God's work done God's way in God's timing and that I love Him.

Please keep Alicia in your prayers. Even though we will not meet this side of heaven, someday we will in the presence of our Lord and what a glorious meeting that will be!
Blessing to you this day.
To be continued...